Ghosted by Unemployment: A Tragedy in Weekly Installments —Starring Me, My Broken Laptop, and a Government Website That Hasn’t Been Updated Since 2003

Let me tell you something about hope.

Hope is what you feel right before you hit “submit” on your unemployment application.

It’s that little voice that says, “You’ve paid your taxes. You’ve done your time. Surely now the system will return the favor.”

Spoiler alert: it will not.

I applied for unemployment benefits the way a ghosted ex writes one last text: with too much emotional energy, low expectations, and a faint smell of desperation.

The website looked like it was coded during dial-up. Tabs were blinking. Nothing was mobile-friendly. At one point, I think it asked me what kind of fax machine I used.

But I did it. I submitted everything. Work history, W2s, my LinkedIn trauma, emotional baggage, a short story titled “Please Help Me, I’m Tired.”

And then?

Silence.

Not even a “Thank you for your submission.”

Just a screen that said “PENDING.”

Which, in government language, means “We’ve ghosted you, but politely.”

Then comes the weekly certification.

They want to know:

• Are you applying for jobs?

• Are you physically and mentally able to work?

• Have you received any income or bribes in the past week?

Yes, yes, and only if you count emotional support cheese from my emotional support mouse, Brad.

I log in every single week like it’s a church service for the chronically unemployed.

I click “Yes” on every box.

I confess all my job applications like sins.

And still? Nothing.

Meanwhile, I’m out here applying for everything from “Creative Assistant” to “Entry-Level Brand Wizard.”

One job asked for a video cover letter. Another wanted me to solve five riddles and name my spirit animal.

A third ghosted me after three interviews and a PowerPoint I made on a borrowed Chromebook.

But sure, unemployment office—ask me again if I’m applying.

Do you know how dehumanizing it is to be ghosted by corporate America and then ghosted again by the government that promised to help you survive being ghosted by corporate America?

It’s like getting dumped twice by the same person, but one version wears a suit and the other uses Times New Roman in all caps.

At this point, I don’t even want the money.

Okay—I want the money.

But more than that, I want closure.

I want a rejection letter from the unemployment department.

Something like:

“We regret to inform you that despite your strong background in disappointment and coffee-fueled resilience, we’ve decided to proceed with candidates who have never needed help in the first place.”

–Sincerely, The Algorithm and Karen from State Compliance.

I’ve tried calling.

One hold line played elevator music so long I started hallucinating a job offer from a saxophonist.

When someone finally answered, they said, “Have you tried the website?”

Yes, Karen. That’s why I’m calling you from a landline like it’s 1997.

And listen—I know I’m not alone.

There’s a whole underground club of ghosted applicants.

We meet in Reddit threads, group chats, and sad coffee shops.

We share war stories like:

“This one time, I applied for a remote job… and they told me I was too remote.”

So what do we do?

We laugh.

We log in again.

We apply again.

We update our résumés with phrases like “thrives under ghosting pressure” and “certified in weekly emotional resilience.”

Because if the system won’t support us, at least we’ve got memes.

And caffeine.

And each other.

So yes, I’ve been ghosted by jobs.

Ghosted by recruiters.

Ghosted by unemployment.

But I’m still here.

Logged in.

Certifying.

Drinking coffee that tastes like burnt dreams and low-grade survival instinct.

And if you’re reading this while refreshing your claim status for the 14th time today—

You’re not alone.

We are many.

We are tired.

We are probably still pending.

And someday… maybe…

we will be approved.