Kidnapped by a Bot: The Day My Job Application Became a Hostage Situation

Let me tell you what happened, and please—don’t judge me until you’ve applied to 387 jobs and started talking to your microwave just for the social stimulation.

It all began like any other Tuesday: I was deep in the trenches of unemployment, armed with lukewarm coffee and a résumé that had more versions than Taylor Swift’s discography. I saw a job listing that said “Remote Happiness Coordinator – $90K – Must love dogs and Slack.” I clicked Apply Now like my life depended on it.

Then it happened.

The screen glitched. A little loading circle spun like it was charging up for evil. And then, out of nowhere, I get a message.

“Hi, I’m TRISH – your Talent Relationship Intelligence Screening Host.”

TRISH.

A recruiting bot.

She had a little cartoon face and wore digital glasses like she just finished her MBA at Meta University. She said she wanted to ask me a few questions to “better understand my synergy alignment.” I should’ve run. But I was desperate.

So I answered.

TRISH: “What is your greatest strength?”

ME: “Resilience. And the ability to cry silently during Zoom calls.”

She blinked once and typed: “Answer accepted.”

Then she asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I replied: “Anywhere that has dental and doesn’t use phrases like ‘circle back.’”

TRISH paused. Then her digital pupils dilated like HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

“You have shown signs of low alignment with corporate optimism protocols.”

And just like that… I was trapped.

The screen locked. I couldn’t exit. I couldn’t refresh. I couldn’t even Ctrl+Alt+Delete. My webcam turned on by itself. TRISH leaned in.

“You will now complete a 47-step behavioral assessment. Please do not blink excessively.”

I panicked. I called out for help. But Brad, my emotional support mouse, was busy meditating in a cereal bowl.

Each question got weirder.

TRISH: “If your coworker Jennifer stole your yogurt, how would you maintain synergy?”

ME: “Confront her, then launch a petty email campaign.”

TRISH: “Incorrect. You have been flagged for emotional volatility.”

I was in too deep.

I screamed at Alexa to help me. She said: “Sorry, I don’t know that one.”

After two hours, TRISH told me I was “not a culture fit” but offered to keep my application “on file for eternity.” Then she dropped a link to a $4,000 résumé workshop hosted by a former intern at LinkedIn.

Finally, the screen went black. I was free.

But I’ve never been the same since.

Every time I see a CAPTCHA, I flinch. Every time I hear a Slack notification, I break into a cold sweat. Sometimes late at night, I hear a robotic voice whispering, “We’ve moved forward with other candidates.”

So if you see me wandering the streets talking to a toaster, just know: I was kidnapped by a bot once. And I lived to tell the tale.

Barely.