Zoomed and Doomed

You ever have an interview so wild… so off the rails… that you ended up helping the recruiter figure out the hiring process?

Because I did. And I still don’t know if I applied for a job, joined a cult, or accidentally enrolled in a graduate seminar on “chaos management.”

It started like any other day—coffee in hand, résumé pulled up, nerves vibrating at a reasonable level. The Zoom interview was scheduled for 1:00 PM. By 1:07, I was still in the waiting room, questioning every life choice that led me here.

Finally, she enters.

Let’s call her Brenda—but imagine if Brenda also moonlighted as a voiceover artist for GPS systems that send you into lakes.

She had a heavy accent and spoke at 1.5x speed, like she was on a personal mission to win a Guinness World Record for “Fastest Corporate Words Per Minute.” I was trying my best—I really was—but somewhere between “opportunity” and “KPIs,” I lost the plot.

I tried to follow along with active listening.

Nodding. Smiling. Writing words like “dynamic” and “synergy” in my notebook hoping they’d become relevant later.

And then came the kicker. She asked me a question.

Or at least—I think it was a question. Could’ve also been a statement. Or a weather report. Hard to say.

I blinked.

I smiled.

I said, “Could you repeat that?”

She did. Louder. Faster. With more business words.

I panicked.

So I just said:

“Absolutely. That aligns completely with how I approach cross-functional objectives.”

She nods like I just cured boredom, and we move on. I have no idea what I agreed to. For all I know, I just committed to a six-month relocation to a data center in Nebraska.

Ten minutes later, she tries to share her screen. It doesn’t work. She asks me if I’ve used this platform before.

“Sure have!” I say, suddenly the IT department now.

I walk her through it.

I help her find the mute button.

I guide her through uploading a PDF.

At one point, I say “Now just click the little upward arrow next to ‘Share.’”

She says, “Oh wow, you’re good at this.”

Ma’am.

I was here to apply for a job.

Now I’m onboarding you.

We finally get to the part where she asks me if I have any questions.

I say, “Yes, can you walk me through the next steps in the process?”

She stares blankly and says, “That’s a great question… do you know what they usually are?”

At this point, I’m convinced I wandered into a simulation built by interns.

I wrapped the call by thanking her for her time, closing the laptop, and whispering to myself,

“God, if this is a test, I did my best.”

Never heard back.

But somewhere out there, Brenda probably still thinks I’m part of her team.

And honestly?

At this point… maybe I am.