You’ve got Mail!

Remember when hearing “You’ve Got Mail!” felt like the universe giving you a hug?

It was thrilling. Magical. Like a handwritten letter from a friend — except digital and without the questionable glitter.

Now?

If my inbox said “You’ve Got Mail!” I’d immediately assume it’s another “We regret to inform you” masterpiece or a newsletter I never signed up for telling me to “hustle harder and drink more chlorophyll water.”

These days, opening my email feels like checking the mailbox and only finding bills and that one coupon for a tire rotation.

Inbox breakdown:

• 40% rejection emails that start with “We were impressed…” and end with a slow fade into corporate oblivion.

• 30% ads for things I can’t afford because… well, unemployed.

• 20% random “motivational” newsletters encouraging me to “be the CEO of my life,” which is cute considering I can’t even be the CEO of my laundry pile.

• 10% my mom asking if I’ve “heard back yet” in progressively larger font sizes.

We used to think ghosting was just a dating app phenomenon.

Now recruiters ghost us so hard you’d think we were trying to borrow money from them.

You go through five interviews, a “quick” personality assessment, a project that requires you to solve world peace, and explain how your spirit animal embodies your leadership style… then? Nothing.

Meanwhile, these companies are out here on social media posting, “We’re a family! We care about people!”

Really? Because if my family treated me like that, I’d change my last name and move to another continent.

At this point, I’d rather receive a carrier pigeon with a rejection note tied to its leg than read one more cold, automated email.

At least the pigeon would make eye contact and look sorry about it.

The job hunt today feels like being on a reality show where each episode ends with, “We’ll circle back next quarter.”

Spoiler: they never circle back.

But here’s the thing: if you’re out there still submitting applications at 2 a.m., rewriting your résumé for the 23rd time, and refreshing your inbox like it owes you money — you’re a hero.

You’re not unqualified.

You’re not invisible.

You’re just stuck in this weird professional Hunger Games where the odds feel like they’re never in your favor.

So here’s your reminder:

You’re doing great.

You’re more than some “preferred qualifications” list written by a committee that probably doesn’t even exist.

You don’t need to become a “thought leader” or drink kale smoothies to be worthy.

Keep going.

Take a breath.

Laugh at the absurdity.

And if you do get an email today that says “You’ve Got Mail!” — approach carefully, but with a sliver of hope.

Because one day, it’ll be a “Congratulations, you got the job!” instead of another reminder to sign up for a webinar on “Optimizing Your Personal Brand in Times of Economic Uncertainty.”

You got this.

No green juice required.