You’re Hired

BREAKING NEWS: ICE has been replaced by H.I.R.E.

You heard that right.

In a shocking bipartisan decision that confused both CNN and Fox News simultaneously, Congress has officially disbanded ICE and rebranded it as H.I.R.E. — the Human Integration for Rapid Employment task force.

Their mission?

To chase down every single unemployed, underemployed, or LinkedIn-ghosted American and forcefully offer them a job.

No paperwork. No resume revisions. No 17 rounds of interviews. Just good old-fashioned “You’re hired—get in the van.”

I turned on the TV this morning and every channel looked like a mashup of COPS, The Office, and Extreme Makeover: Career Edition.

You see two agents in navy windbreakers jumping out of a black van with matching clipboards:

“We’ve got a 52-year-old male, last seen applying for a ‘Senior Happiness Coordinator’ role that paid $16.23 an hour. He’s been ghosted 39 times and is currently in aisle seven of Home Depot debating between sadness or caulk. MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!”

Suddenly they tackle this poor man next to the paint samples.

He screams, “I HAVE A MASTER’S DEGREE!”

They slap a badge on his chest that says “REGIONAL OPERATIONS DIRECTOR – STARTS MONDAY” and hand him a benefits package and a reusable water bottle.

Meanwhile, another squad storms into a Starbucks. A woman with three decades of leadership experience is hiding behind a soy latte, trying to finish yet another unpaid homework assignment for a “Marketing Guru” role.

An agent approaches:

“Ma’am, we know you’ve been laid off, restructured, downsized, outsourced, and put on ‘executive pause.’

You’re not fooling anyone. Your resume still smells like courage and KPIs.”

She whispers, “But I’m over 50…”

He grins. “Exactly. You’re now in charge of six VPs and a revenue target of $80 million. Let’s go.”

Meanwhile, Karen from HR tries to block the door screaming,

“Wait! She hasn’t taken the DISC personality assessment! She hasn’t met the culture committee!”

But it’s too late.

They tase Karen.

(Just gently. Like a small HR-approved zap.)

Back at headquarters, agents are sorting LinkedIn posts like evidence.

“This one’s posted 44 times about rejection, still no offer.”

“Get her a team. And an assistant.”

“This guy got ghosted by a job he didn’t even apply for.”

“Perfect. He’s now Head of Recruitment Policy Reform.”

And just like that, the unemployment rate drops to zero.

Everyone who’s been “pending” since 2022 gets assigned a new title, a new team, and — finally — a new email signature that doesn’t say “Consultant (Freelance, kinda, sometimes).”

It’s chaos. It’s beautiful.

It’s what happens when you weaponize common sense and compassion.

So if you hear a knock on your door and see two friendly agents in navy jackets… don’t run.

Just pack a lunch and get ready.

You’re hired.