You can’t ask that

Someone sent me this absolute masterpiece of corporate communication, and I genuinely haven’t laughed this hard since the time I tried to explain to my grandma what an “influencer” does.

Let’s break it down. Gavin, my man, you absolute legend. You had the audacity — the nerve! — to ask about salary, responsibilities, and work culture during a job interview. Wild concept, right? You know, those totally irrelevant topics that have absolutely no bearing on whether you can pay rent or maintain your sanity.

This email is basically the HR equivalent of going on a first date and being told, “For future reference, asking about my name, hobbies, and whether I’m emotionally available are not things I like to discuss at dinner.”

According to this logic, you’re supposed to walk into an interview with the same energy as a contestant on a reality show. You don’t ask about the prize; you just blindly jump into the pool of mystery tasks and hope you come out with a rose or at least a free t-shirt.

“Responsibilities?” Nah, you’ll find out on your first day when they hand you a flaming baton and say, “Good luck, you’re in charge of everything now.”

“Salary?” Don’t worry about that, Gavin. Just live off of vibes, leftover sheet cake from Janet’s birthday, and the warm glow of unpaid overtime.

“Work culture?” Who needs to know if your new coworkers communicate only in emojis or if your boss thinks ‘team-building’ means weekend-long trust falls in the woods? You’ll figure it out!

Can we take a moment to imagine the committee who approved this email? Probably sitting in a windowless conference room, drinking stale coffee, wearing lanyards that say “Synergy Enthusiast,” and proudly declaring, “Transparency? Never heard of her!”

And the best part? “We wish you the best of luck.” As if Gavin is about to embark on a dragon-slaying quest armed with nothing but vague job descriptions and a LinkedIn profile photo taken at his cousin’s wedding.

Honestly, this email is so beautifully unhinged it deserves to be printed on inspirational posters:

— “Ask not what the company can do for you… ask no questions at all.”

— “Mystery is part of the magic.”

— “Transparency? That’s a luxury item, sweetie.”

Imagine the alternative: you walk into the job on day one, find out your title is “Chief Vibe Catcher,” your desk is a beanbag in the hallway, and your main responsibility is to “synergize cross-functional brand ideation verticals.”

Meanwhile, your salary? Oh, you’ll get a crisp high five every Friday and free access to the Keurig (if you bring your own pods).

Look, Gavin, you might have just unlocked the biggest corporate plot twist of the decade. You asked normal, completely logical questions and they basically responded, “How dare you want to know if you’ll be able to feed yourself?!”

Next time, try going in fully mysterious. Wear a cloak. Speak only in riddles. When they ask if you have any questions, just nod knowingly and say, “All will be revealed in time.”

To everyone out there who’s ever been told they shouldn’t ask about pay, tasks, or whether they’ll be working next to a microwave or an actual window — keep asking. You’re not difficult; you’re sane.

So here’s to you, Gavin. You’re a hero, a pioneer, a question-asking icon. May we all be a little more like you the next time someone tries to sell us a “dynamic opportunity” with zero details and all the red flags.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here updating my résumé to include “Professional Question Asker” and “Certified Rejectee of Cult-like Corporate Emails.”