The Resume Fixer

So today, as I was deep in the trenches of my usual morning routine — which, for the record, involves staring into my fridge like it holds the answers to life and then drinking coffee that tastes like regret — I got the message.

It wasn’t from a recruiter. Not from a long-lost friend offering me a job in Bali. Not even from my mom reminding me to “keep my chin up” (thanks, Mom).

Nope.

It was from a resume writer. A very enthusiastic one, apparently typing with the energy of a caffeinated squirrel.

He starts off with:

“Hi Alex! I’ve just reviewed your resume and, wow, there is so much potential here!”

Translation: “Hi Alex, I haven’t actually read your resume but I’m about to pitch you harder than a late-night infomercial for a magic mop.”

He continues:

“For a limited time, I can completely transform your resume and make it STAND OUT to recruiters and hiring managers for only $199.99!”

$199.99! The way he wrote it, I thought he was selling me the last Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

He claims my new resume will:

• Unlock doors I didn’t even know existed.

• Get me seen by “the top 1% of recruiters” (are they in a secret society? Do they meet in a candlelit basement to chant about synergy?).

• Practically guarantee that CEOs will be lining up outside my door with contracts and edible arrangements.

For $199.99, he will sprinkle his “magic keywords” all over my resume. Suddenly, I’ll become “dynamic,” “visionary,” “results-oriented,” and “passionately synergistic.” Because apparently, that’s what gets you hired — not, you know, actual skills or experience.

He also promises to “optimize my ATS compatibility.” In other words, make sure the robots like me before the humans even get a chance. Imagine living in a world where we’re more concerned about impressing a software algorithm than Grandma at Thanksgiving dinner.

Then he hits me with the testimonial section:

“Check out what Derek said after working with me!”

(Derek is pictured smiling awkwardly in front of a stock photo of an office plant.)

“After using his resume service, I got three interviews in one week!” — Derek, probably.

Listen, Derek, I’m happy for you. But I once got three interviews in one week too, and all three ghosted me harder than my high school crush.

By this point, I’m half convinced, half hysterical. I imagine myself paying $199.99, getting my resume back, and it’s just one big word: “INNOVATIVE.”

Or maybe it comes with an optional glitter attachment to really “stand out.”

Meanwhile, I’m already juggling resumes, cover letters, portfolios, LinkedIn DMs, five different “networking coffee chats,” and 47 self-help articles on “how to manifest your dream job using only moonlight and positive affirmations.”

But sure, maybe the $199.99 resume fairy dust is the missing piece!

In the end, I didn’t click “Buy Now.” Instead, I sat there, laughed until I snorted coffee out of my nose, and remembered that while resumes help, they aren’t magic spells.

The magic is in showing up. In trying again after every ghosting. In rewriting the same bullet point so many times you start speaking in business jargon in your sleep.

So shout-out to that resume writer. Thanks for the entertainment and for reminding me that, as shiny as these offers are, I’m already more than a set of buzzwords.

Here’s to all of us — the ones making it work, one awkward bullet point at a time, no $199.99 required.

Pass the coffee. And maybe the mop from the infomercial, because I just spit it everywhere.