The Job Scam

So I get a message on LinkedIn that says:

“Hi Alex! I’m extremely impressed by your leadership in forklift cloud innovation.”

Forklift. Again.

The forklifts will haunt me forever.

She asks if I’m open to “remote hybrid contract-permanent executive role with flexible relocation options.”

Yes. All of them. At once. It’s a shape-shifting job.

Naturally, I give her my Google Voice number because I have trauma and boundaries.

Two minutes later—she calls.

Me: Hello?

Her: Hello! This is Jessica… uh… Talent Specialist… Global. From Team People. I saw your profile on… on Link… Linkland?

Me: You mean LinkedIn?

Her: Yes! That one. Very professional platform.

Off to a strong start.

Her: Alex, your background in forklift data energy culture synergy is so inspiring. You are selected for position!

Me: Which position?

Her: Yes.

Me: …That wasn’t a yes or no question.

She coughs.

Her: The position is very high-level confidential opportunity. Remote from anywhere. Salary is $300,000 weekly, but you need to move quickly.

Me: Okay, sure. Can I ask who I’ll be working under?

Her: Of course. The name of our CEO is… Steve… uh… Apple.

Me: Steve Apple?

Her: Yes. He built Amazon.

Me: Ah yes. I remember that from history class.

Then she asks me to verify my identity… by spelling my full name backwards while confirming my bank routing number.

Her: It is just standard onboarding process. We are very secure.

I ask if there’s a company website.

Her: Yes, we are temporarily under cyber renovation. But we post sometimes on Pinterest.

At this point I’m wheezing, but I’m not done yet.

Me: Do you offer benefits?

Her: Yes. You will get dental, vision, spiritual alignment sessions, and we reimburse emotional damage caused by former jobs.

Me: That’s actually the most realistic thing you’ve said.

Finally, she says I need to pay $79 for my “onboarding certification badge.”

Me: Will that be mailed to me?

Her: Yes, through… WhatsApp.

So I did what any self-respecting, exhausted job seeker would do.

I hung up.

Lit a candle.

And updated my résumé to include:

“Successfully avoided international identity theft with humor and sarcasm.”

LinkedIn in 2025, baby. Where every job offer comes with a plot twist.