The Hiring Games

So I finally heard back from a company.

Not a job offer. Not even an interview. But an email with the subject line that every tired, overqualified, emotionally-fragile job seeker dreads:

“Next Step: Please Complete Two Brief Assessments”

Ah yes. The modern gladiator arena of online hiring. Where instead of swords, you get a personality quiz and a timed test designed to see if you panic when asked to rotate triangles under pressure.

I open the email. It’s polite, professional, and filled with words like “insight” and “fit.” Which we all know are just corporate code for “We don’t trust your résumé, so here’s a BuzzFeed quiz to decide if you’re leadership material or secretly a raccoon.”

Assessment #1: Predictive Index Behavioral Assessment.

Untimed, they said.

I click the link, already sweating.

First question: “Would you describe yourself as more assertive or collaborative?”

I say yes.

Next: “Do you enjoy structure or flexibility?”

Again, yes.

And then it just keeps going. A never-ending series of A vs. B personality battles that make me question everything from my management style to whether I even have a personality anymore or just trauma.

By question 23, I start overthinking:

“If I say I’m detail-oriented, will they assume I’m annoying?”

“If I say I’m creative, will they think I’m unreliable?”

“Can I be a visionary AND a team player or do I need to pick a struggle?”

Assessment #2: Cognitive Aptitude Test.

This one is timed. Of course.

It’s described as measuring “problem-solving, critical thinking, and logic.”

So basically, it’s the SAT in business casual.

I click “Start.”

Immediately, the timer begins counting down like I just armed a nuclear device.

First question: “If the train leaves Chicago at 9:15 a.m. traveling 85 mph…”

Nope. Not today, Satan.

Next question: a shape puzzle.

I haven’t seen a trapezoid since 1998. I panic. I guess.

Then: “Which word is the opposite of ‘dismantle’?”

Me: “Emotionally? ‘Therapy.’ Logically? ‘Assemble?’ Wait, is this a trick?”

I guess again.

Midway through, I’m sweating like it’s the final round of a game show called “Are You Smarter Than Your Anxiety?”

Meanwhile, I’m imagining someone on the other end reviewing my results like:

“Hmm, interesting… says he’s a strategic thinker, but hesitated on the parallelogram. Not a culture fit.”

I finish both tests. 34 minutes and 7 existential crises later.

I hit submit.

The page says: “Thank you. We’ll be in touch regarding next steps.”

Spoiler alert: they won’t.

But hey, at least now there’s a data-driven record of my confusion.

So I added a new bullet point to my résumé:

• Completed two corporate obstacle courses disguised as assessments while maintaining a sense of humor and only lightly questioning my self-worth.

Because in 2025, getting a job isn’t about your experience anymore.

It’s about your ability to survive quizzes that feel like a group project between Google Forms and a sleep-deprived psychology major.

But I’m still here. Still applying. Still clicking “I agree to the terms.”

Because apparently, resilience is testable.

And I’m acing that part.