Resume Stampede

I just read a story from The New York Times that made me spit out my coffee (and almost my will to live). Apparently, the number of job applications submitted on LinkedIn has surged more than 45% in the past year.

Let me repeat that: 11,000 applications per MINUTE. That’s right, while you’re here crafting the perfect “Dear Hiring Manager” intro and carefully picking which two emojis to include on your resume, LinkedIn is out here hosting the world’s biggest digital stampede.

I imagine LinkedIn recruiters now log in and just see a giant, pixelated tumbleweed of résumés rolling across their screens. Somewhere, a recruiter is crying into their 18th cup of stale office coffee while whispering, “Please… no more passionate cover letters about teamwork.”

And of course, we have AI to thank for part of this chaos. Remember when it took you three days and a breakdown in aisle seven of Target to finish one application? Now AI can whip up a résumé, a cover letter, and a three-course dinner for your future boss in 45 seconds flat.

Meanwhile, I’m over here refreshing my inbox like it’s a slot machine, hoping for that magical, “We’d love to move forward!” email. Instead, all I get is, “Your application has been received,” which in job search language translates to: “You’ve just entered a cosmic void. Good luck!”

Somewhere out there, a poor recruiter is sitting under a weighted blanket, desperately trying to sort through 78,592 identical applications, each claiming to be “passionate,” “driven,” and “a team player who loves synergizing dynamic synergies.”

The article made me realize that I’m basically entering a job search version of the Hunger Games every time I hit “Apply Now.” I picture a huge arena: thousands of candidates in business casual, armed with AI-generated résumés and motivational quotes as their shields. The announcer yells, “May the odds be ever in your favor!” as everyone sprints toward the one available opening for “Junior Assistant Email Ninja.”

Some brave souls try to stand out by adding a fun fact: “I once ate 47 mozzarella sticks in one sitting.” Or they upload a video cover letter featuring them juggling flaming swords while reciting their key achievements. And yet… crickets.

We’re all out here trying to “optimize” our résumés for ATS bots that seem more mysterious than Bigfoot. Meanwhile, we’re expected to sound human but not too human, creative but not too creative, humble but also bragging just enough to show you’re “a rockstar,” “a ninja,” and “a unicorn” all in one.

So, to all my fellow warriors in this AI-fueled résumé stampede: I see you. I salute you. May your coffee be strong, your Wi-Fi stable, and your motivation at least higher than the number of unread LinkedIn notifications haunting your phone screen.

Here’s to all of us — the dreamers, the doers, the professional “Apply Now” clickers — hacking away at this new digital jungle, one cringey “Dear Hiring Manager” at a time.

Stay strong. Stay weird. And remember: at this point, our résumés might actually be better friends with the bots than with us. 😂🤖💼