Plot Twist

A while back, a career coach slid into my DMs with the enthusiasm of a Labrador puppy who just discovered a tennis ball. They promised they could “completely change my life” and turn me into the unstoppable, six-figure-earning, green-juice-drinking powerhouse I was clearly born to be.

They started with, “Hey superstar! I’ve been watching your journey and I just KNOW you’re one mindset shift away from total transformation.” I thought, “Wow, they’ve been watching my journey? The one where I eat leftover pizza at 10 a.m. and wear the same pajama pants three days in a row? Truly inspiring.”

They offered me a “life-changing program” that included morning affirmations, 5 a.m. workouts, daily gratitude journaling, and cold showers “to build resilience.” I already build resilience every day by trying to open the bag of shredded cheese without it exploding everywhere, but sure.

They promised I’d wake up energized, bounce out of bed like a Disney princess, and have a perfectly color-coded calendar. They said I’d “manifest abundance” and “align with my higher self.” Meanwhile, my current morning routine consists of hitting snooze so many times I start negotiating with my alarm clock like it’s a hostage situation.

They asked about my goals. I said: “Survive Mondays, drink my coffee before it gets cold, and remember to water my plant before it starts plotting revenge.”

They said, “Every story has a plot twist. Are you ready to write yours?” And I thought, “Honestly? My plot twists usually involve realizing I’m out of toilet paper after grocery stores close.”

But they insisted. They believed in me more than my Wi-Fi connection does during an important Zoom call. They said, “Picture your dream life. Where are you? What are you doing?” So I closed my eyes and pictured myself on a beach, wearing an obnoxiously large hat, holding a smoothie that definitely has too much rum in it, and reading a book titled How to Ignore Emails and Still Get Paid.

The coach said, “We’ll get you there! You just need to invest in yourself!” Translation: “Please give me $5,000 for my video course, three group calls, and a downloadable PDF titled ‘You Got This, Boss!’”

The final push came when they said, “Imagine the plot twist where you finally become your best self.” And listen… I love a good plot twist as much as the next person. But my life already feels like a season finale cliffhanger half the time. Do I really need a new subplot involving burpees at sunrise and cold showers?

In the end, I kindly declined and chose to stay on my own weird, snack-filled, pajama-wearing, up-and-down, plot-twisty journey. Because while I might not be manifesting six figures or running 10Ks at dawn, I am mastering the art of reheating coffee without spilling it on myself (most days).

Every story does have a plot twist. Sometimes it’s a new job, a sudden move, a big love, or a career coach with too many exclamation points. And sometimes it’s just you, discovering that you’re actually pretty awesome exactly as you are — even if your “morning routine” starts at noon.

Stay weird. Embrace your own plot twists. And remember: no downloadable PDF can teach you how to dance in your kitchen in socks like you do.