Pitch Imperfect

You ever go to one of those mandatory corporate karaoke nights?

You know, the kind where HR swears it’s about “team bonding,” but it actually feels like emotional blackmail with a DJ?

Yeah. I went to one.

Once.

Never again.

It started with an email from Karen in HR titled “Let’s Make Memories! 🎤”

That’s corporate code for: “We’re going to watch Bob from Finance emotionally unravel to a Bon Jovi song while pretending this is a bonding experience.”

The venue? A rented back room at a chain restaurant that smelled like mozzarella sticks and regret.

The theme? “Sing Your Role.”

As in, pick a karaoke song that “represents your job function.”

It was like LinkedIn had a nervous breakdown and decided to party.

First up: Trish from Accounting.

She sang “Every Breath You Take” but changed the lyrics to “Every Cent You Make.”

Honestly? A little chilling. I now believe she tracks expenses through astral projection.

Then Chad from Sales took the mic.

Oh, Chad.

He did “Eye of the Tiger” with the intensity of someone trying to close a deal with the DJ.

He ripped his tie off mid-chorus, high-fived the regional manager, and ended it by flexing.

We gave him a standing ovation because we were afraid not to.

Next was my turn.

Because apparently, HR pulled names from a bowl.

Which—fun fact—is how you know your workplace is slowly becoming a cult.

I walked up there, grabbed the mic, and said:

“This one’s for all of us who didn’t sign up for forced vulnerability in business casual.”

Then I sang “I Will Survive,”

but changed the lyrics to reflect surviving:

• back-to-back meetings that could’ve been emails

• passive-aggressive Slack messages

• and Chad’s sales pep talks that somehow involved wolf metaphors

Karen smiled through it. But I saw the micro-expression.

That twitch in the corner of her eye that said, “You’re not getting promoted, raccoon man.”

The night ended with the VP—Greg—getting on stage and singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” with three interns who definitely pre-gamed in the parking lot.

One cried.

Greg used air guitar.

Two employees quit the next day.

And that was the last time our office held a karaoke night.

So if your company invites you to one of these “just for fun!” nights, remember:

It’s never just for fun.

It’s Hunger Games in khakis with a microphone.

But hey, at least I crushed that last chorus.

And Trish? Still watching. Still calculating.