Moses the Hiring Manager

So I’m sitting here at the kitchen table, caffeinated beyond salvation, doom-scrolling job listings and debating whether “emotionally resilient under corporate trauma” counts as a skill… when suddenly my brain goes off the rails and asks:

“What if Moses was my hiring manager?”

Boom. The room fades. My resume bursts into flames (but, like, not consuming it), and suddenly I’m standing at the foot of Mount Onboarding.

A voice thunders, “REMOVE THY SHOES—unless they’re Crocs, for those are holy.”

Out walks Moses. Not Old Testament cranky-Moses—this is modern-day HR Moses. Same beard. Hoodie over his robes. Coffee in one hand, stone tablet in the other. Name tag says “MO-ZEHR, Director of Deliverance & Talent Strategy.”

He doesn’t shake my hand. He just squints at me like he’s seen my browser history and says, “So. You seek employment in the land of milk, honey, and 401(k)s.”

I nod. Nervously. Holding a copy of my résumé printed on premium linen paper. He looks at it once and mutters, “We don’t use résumés here. We use signs and wonders.”

First question:

“Tell me about a time you led a team out of corporate oppression.”

“Uhhh… I once got my coworkers out of a 3-hour budget meeting by faking a Zoom outage?”

He strokes his beard. “Acceptable. Proceed.”

Next: “How do you handle conflict?”

“Professionally and with grace.”

He slams his staff. “WRONG. You call down plagues. Frogs, boils, phishing scams. That’s how we settle things in Biblical HR.”

Then he gives me a scenario:

“You’re managing a team of 600,000 freshly liberated people. They’re cranky. They want snacks. There’s no Wi-Fi. What do you do?”

“Uhhh… I offer team-building exercises?”

He scoffs. “Try wandering through the desert for 40 years and still getting negative Glassdoor reviews.”

I try to change the subject. “What’s the company culture like?”

He looks at me, deadpan. “We’re family. Dysfunctional. Miraculous. Gluten-free.”

He leans in. “Do you believe in miracles, Alex?”

“Sir, I got out of a panel interview with Karen from HR and Chad from Strategy without crying. That was the Red Sea parting in real-time.”

He nods solemnly. “You may be ready.”

But just as I’m about to get the offer, a guy named Pharaoh Steve from corporate storms in and says, “This candidate isn’t a culture fit.”

Without hesitation, Moses throws a plagues-of-Egypt style PowerPoint at him—complete with GIFs, thunder sound effects, and graphs shaped like camels. Steve turns into a pillar of salt and is immediately removed from the Zoom.

Moses turns to me.

“Alex. You’re hired.”

I gasp. “Really?”

He raises his arms. “Thy onboarding packet shall descend from the heavens in PDF form. Check spam.”

And just like that, the clouds part, benefits rain down, and I walk out of the interview room holding a staff, a LinkedIn Premium trial, and a divine purpose.

Final takeaway?

When Moses is your hiring manager, cover letters are optional, miracles are mandatory, and PTO includes actual sabbaticals in the wilderness.

Job title: Assistant Director of Freedom Logistics.

Start date: Immediately.

Dress code: Robes casual.

Company motto: “Let my people log off.”