Job Hunting in 2025

Somewhere out there, I’m convinced a group of executives in lab coats is watching job seekers like a science experiment.

“Let’s see how long they’ll keep applying before they start communicating exclusively in cover letter phrases.”

“I’m a highly motivated self-starter with a proven track record of crying in the car.”

Let’s talk about personality assessments.

You apply for a job and suddenly you’re 97 questions deep into a test that feels like it was written by someone who owns six crystals and a Ouija board.

“Do you prefer following rules or creating chaos?”

“Would you rather be a cloud or a ladder?”

I don’t know, Carol. I just want dental insurance.

And then there’s the interview scheduling portal — aka the test of your willingness to give up.

You pick a time. The system “can’t confirm it.” You pick another. It times out. You pick again. Now it says, “No longer accepting responses.”

At this point, I’d rather communicate via carrier pigeon. Less stressful.

But maybe the most diabolical twist is the “We’re so excited to move forward!” message…

That is immediately followed by three weeks of silence.

Then a rejection.

No explanation. No feedback. Just the emotional equivalent of someone ghosting you after a first date, then popping up six months later to tell you they’re engaged.

Cool. Thanks for the closure.

Or how about when they post a role that clearly matches your skills — and then ask for “3–5 years of experience in tools that were invented last Tuesday.”

Why yes, I am proficient in time travel. Thanks for asking.

And what is this new obsession with “culture fit” over competence?

You could be an expert in the field, but if you’re not into lunchtime Zumba and inspirational Slack channels, suddenly you’re not “a strong alignment with our vibe.”

Your vibe?

Ma’am, I’m just trying to pay my bills and not have a panic attack every time I refresh my email.

Also, can we talk about the career pages that say things like:

“We’re a family!”

No. You’re a company. Families don’t have 90-day probation periods and weekly performance reviews.

If my family gave me a pip for missing dinner, I’d have unionized.

And yet — despite it all — we keep showing up.

Suiting up in hope. Polishing résumés. Pretending not to take it personally when we’re told we’re not “quite what they’re looking for” by someone who just graduated from college and calls themselves a Talent Sorcerer.

Look — applying for jobs in 2025 is not for the faint of heart.

It’s a rollercoaster.

A scavenger hunt.

An unpaid internship in rejection resilience.

But if you’re still in it — still submitting, still believing, still holding on to even a flicker of hope?

You’re not behind. You’re not unworthy. You’re not alone.

You’re a warrior with a Wi-Fi connection and a dream.

Keep going.

And tonight?

We eat cake.

Because submitting one more job app in this economy is an act of bravery — and bravery deserves frosting.