Interview Rockstar and Family Edition

Lately, I’ve started playing a new game.

It’s called “Interview Rockstar: Family Edition.”

The rules are simple.

You start with zero points and build up every time a recruiter says one of the sacred phrases of the modern job hunt.

+10 points for “rockstar.”

+10 for “we’re like family.”

+5 if they tell you the role is “fast-paced.”

+20 bonus points if they say “you’ll wear a lot of hats” and sound excited about it.

+100 if they call it a startup but admit they have no startup funding.

It’s like Bingo, but with mild existential dread and the lingering smell of LinkedIn desperation.

So far this week, I’ve scored 370 points. And I haven’t even left my couch.

Let me walk you through a recent round.

Recruiter: “Hi Alex! You are exactly what we’ve been looking for—a true rockstar.”

Me: (+10 points)

Also me: still wearing last night’s hoodie, applying for jobs while eating cereal out of a coffee mug.

Recruiter: “We’re not like other companies… we’re a family.”

Me: (+10 points)

Also me: silently remembering that the last “family” laid me off via a mass email that began with “Hello [First Name].”

Recruiter: “You’ll wear a lot of hats!”

Me: (+20 points and a mild forehead twitch)

Translation: You’ll be doing marketing, sales, HR, IT, event planning, and—oh surprise!—you’re also the new office birthday coordinator.

Recruiter: “We don’t have a budget yet… but we’re full of passion and heart.”

Me: (+50 points, and now I’m blinking in broke.)

Cool. But can I pay rent in passion? Will my landlord accept heart and “vibes” for utilities?

Recruiter: “It’s a hybrid role!”

Me: “Great! How many days in office?”

Recruiter: “Technically zero, but you’ll be expected to hop on if something comes up.”

Me: So I’m fully remote… until you feel a disturbance in the Force and need me on Zoom at 11:42 PM?

Recruiter: “We’re really looking for someone with high emotional intelligence.”

Me: (+15 points)

Also me: Guess I’ll cry with the team instead of just for them.

By the end of the call, I’ve unlocked “Triple Threat Mode”:

Rockstar ➕ Family ➕ Startup Energy

Suddenly I’m on a leaderboard I didn’t ask to be on, waiting for a trophy that’s just an invitation to a mandatory Slack channel about “Wellness Wednesdays.”

And don’t get me wrong—I appreciate recruiters. I really do.

But y’all gotta stop love-bombing me with adjectives and no job description.

If I’m “exactly what you’re looking for,” maybe tell me what it is I’m supposed to be doing.

And how much it pays.

And if the manager is emotionally stable or speaks only in Ted Lasso GIFs.

Until then, I’ll keep playing Interview Rockstar & Family Edition.

And if I ever unlock the Legendary Tier—where they call me a unicorn, ask me to “build the plane while flying it,” and mention the CEO’s dog twice…

I’m bringing snacks to the interview, wearing a cowboy hat, and showing up with a LinkedIn bingo card in hand.

Let’s keep it real.

And let’s all agree:

If you say “we’re like family,” you’d better mean the kind that brings wine to Thanksgiving and pays for therapy.