If Karen Were a Man: The Ballad of Keneth

Let me tell you about Keneth—yes, with an “e” in the middle that he insists on pronouncing like it’s French.

Keneth is what happens when a LinkedIn warrior, a neighborhood HOA president, and a gas station cologne bottle merge into one overconfident man with Bluetooth earbuds permanently lodged in his ears (even when not on a call).

He’s the guy who walks into a coffee shop, ignores the line, and says loudly,

“Hi, I know the owner.”

Spoiler: He does not. He just once met someone named Craig on Yelp.

Keneth doesn’t ask for help. He demands “executive-level assistance” and once described an overcooked steak as a “personal betrayal of his dietary journey.” He calls customer service and starts the conversation with,

“Let me speak to someone who understands the value of a platinum-tier customer.”

He’s had a loyalty card at Chili’s since 2009 and considers it a personality trait.

One time, he went to a job interview. Dress shirt tucked into cargo shorts, aviators still on. The recruiter said, “Tell me about yourself.”

Keneth said, “I’m not here to tell. I’m here to revamp your culture.”

He didn’t get the job, but he did leave a Yelp review of the HR department:

“Uninspired. No Pellegrino offered. 2/5 stars.”

At the gym, Keneth walks around with a clipboard, offering unsolicited advice.

“Your form is all wrong,” he says to a woman mid-squat.

She’s the personal trainer. He’s just…Kenething.

Once, he was caught arguing with a vending machine because it wouldn’t take his expired coupon. He looked it dead in the keypad and said,

“I know my rights. And I will be reporting this.”

To who, Keneth? The Snack Board?

Last I heard, he got banned from his local Home Depot after trying to return a ceiling fan “for emotional reasons.”

So if Karen is a hurricane of opinions in a sensible haircut, Keneth is a tornado in boat shoes, ready to speak to upper management—of life.

Be warned: If you see someone adjusting their Oakleys while asking for “a real manager,” you’re not in danger.

You’re just in the presence of The Keneth.

May God help the service rep on the other end of the line.