I always wondered: what if Elon Musk was my hiring manager?

Like, what would that interview even look like?

Because let’s be honest, that man doesn’t hire people the normal way. He probably conducts interviews while skydiving or from a neural link in his brain that live-translates your answers into Dogecoin.

So in this dream, or maybe fever hallucination, I get the email:

“You’ve been selected to interview with Elon Musk for a strategic position.”

No title. No job description. Just “strategic.”

I click the Zoom link. My screen glitches. Suddenly I’m in a virtual Mars conference room.

Elon appears… mid-sentence. Wearing sunglasses. Indoors.

“Okay, so the role doesn’t exist yet. But if it did, would you be able to build a quantum vending machine that sells ideas?”

I blink.

“…Excuse me?”

“Also, how many raccoons do you think it would take to code a viable AI model? Just ballpark.”

I panic.

“Uh… are the raccoons caffeinated?”

He leans forward like I just told him his own middle name.

“Interesting. You think inside the chaos.”

He nods. A Tesla drives by in the background. Indoors.

Round 2 of the interview is in a Tesla. On autopilot.

Elon says,

“You have until we reach this Chick-fil-A to convince me not to replace all mid-level managers with flamethrowers and optimism.”

I try to answer but the car suddenly launches into space. He laughs and says,

“Metaphor.”

I have no idea what’s happening.

Round 3 is just a single question on a Google Doc titled:

“Would you rather fight 1 cybertruck-sized duck or 100 duck-sized cybertrucks?”

There are no instructions. Just a blinking cursor and a countdown clock that starts at 12 seconds.

I answer:

“Duck-sized cybertrucks. Easier to flip for resale.”

Ten minutes later, I get a Slack invite from someone named “X-12.”

Their profile picture is an owl in a hoodie.

The offer letter comes via drone.

It explodes confetti and drops a scroll that reads:

“Congrats. You’re hired. Job starts yesterday. Role is: VP of Things We Haven’t Thought Of Yet.”

Benefits include:

• Unlimited seltzer

• 15-minute power naps in an oxygen chamber

• And a laser pointer labeled “Employee Morale”

I show up to orientation. There’s a goat wearing VR goggles and a guy named Dave who hasn’t blinked since 2019. Elon walks in and says:

“Your first task is to create a productivity metric based on lunar cycles and pizza consumption.”

I just nod.

Because at this point?

I don’t know if I work for Tesla, SpaceX, Twitter, or some yet-to-be-named company that makes solar-powered friendship.

All I know is I have a badge.

It says “Alex.”

And under my name, in Comic Sans:

“Innovator of Whatever Happens Next.”

And honestly?

That tracks.