Hiring Simulator Windows 95

I’ve come to a sobering realization.

The entire hiring system—the portals, the ATS filters, the four-round interview loops followed by radio silence—it’s all running on Windows 95.

That’s the only explanation that makes sense.

Think about it.

You click “Apply Now,” and the system freezes like you just tried to run Photoshop and Netscape at the same time. The loading bar moves 2%, then just… stops. It doesn’t crash—it just sits there, thinking about its life choices.

And when you finally upload your résumé, it asks you to manually enter all the same information… line by painful line… like this is Oregon Trail and you’re applying to be a blacksmith in 1846.

Then you get an email saying, “Thank you for your application! We’ll be in touch soon.”

Spoiler: they won’t. That email was sent by Clippy.

Yes, Clippy. The little animated paperclip who used to pop up and say things like, “It looks like you’re trying to write a résumé!” Now he just shows up to whisper, “It looks like you’re trying to hold on to hope. Would you like help being ghosted?”

Recruiters say they use “cutting-edge software” to find the best candidates. What they don’t mention is that the cutting edge was… 1997. And the system crashes every time someone uses two spaces after a period.

One time, I got an interview invite, but when I clicked the link, it opened Internet Explorer. Internet. Explorer. I thought I’d fallen into a wormhole. Somewhere, a dial-up modem screamed in agony.

The recruiter joined seven minutes late because “the system was updating.” I’m convinced it was loading Minesweeper.

Then there’s the video interview platform—which looks suspiciously like an old CD-ROM game from your middle school computer lab. I half expected it to say, “Welcome to Math Blaster! Please upload your career trauma below.”

At this point, I don’t think I’ve been rejected—I think the system just blue-screened my application into another dimension.

The worst part? These are tech companies. Companies that claim to be “revolutionizing the future of work”—yet their entire hiring infrastructure is being held together by hope, duct tape, and a forgotten Geocities page.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here with 27 résumé versions, a folder titled “PleaseHireMe_FINAL_FINAL_FINAL.pdf,” and the creeping suspicion that I’m not job hunting…

I’m beta testing a software that hasn’t been updated since Y2K.

So if you’ve applied and heard nothing?

If your application disappeared into a portal that looks like it was designed in Microsoft Paint?

You’re not alone.

You’re just another brave soul trying to navigate Hiring Simulator 95™, where the only way to win is to not expect anything—and maybe reboot your soul every few weeks.