Hiring in 2025

Applying for a job in 2025 is exactly like dating. Except somehow… dating feels more honest.

Let’s walk through this romantic disaster of a hiring process, shall we?

First, you see the perfect one online.

Tall, successful, loves long walks on the beach, collaborative, customer-obsessed, “fast-paced,” and emotionally available to stakeholders.

You get butterflies. You ignore red flags like “rockstar ninja” and “we’re like a family.”

You stay up late crafting the perfect message. You rewrite your résumé like it’s your dating profile:

“I’m a strong communicator, enjoy problem-solving, have 15 years of experience, and still remember how to unjam a copier.”

You send it off.

Then…

Nothing.

Three weeks later, you get a generic email that starts with “Hi [First Name],”

(Your name is spelled wrong.)

They “really loved your background” and would like to get to know you better.

The first date is a 30-minute Zoom.

You clean up. Light a candle. Put on your best “I’m not desperate but totally hireable” energy.

You answer all the questions—while subtly showing your trauma from that one job in 2020 where the CEO believed in “radical transparency” and layoffs via Slack.

It ends with them saying:

“We’re talking to other candidates, but we’ll be in touch!”

Translation: They’re seeing other people.

Cool.

Then begins the ghosting phase.

You replay the interview like it’s a breakup.

“Was it something I said? Was I too eager? Did I overshare when I mentioned the raccoon infestation I managed during budget season?”

You check your inbox. Refresh LinkedIn. Text your friend like:

“Should I message them again or just pretend I’m unbothered and emotionally stable?”

Suddenly, they’re back!

They want to meet your parents—I mean, the hiring panel.

There are five people.

None of them turn their cameras on.

One clearly joined from a Starbucks. One keeps nodding but might actually be sleeping.

They all take turns asking deep questions like:

“If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be and why?”

You leave the call wondering if this is love… or psychological warfare.

Then comes the assessment.

A 3-hour test.

Timed.

Coded.

Requires calculus, emotional intelligence, and the ability to survive on a desert island using only Excel.

You pass. Barely.

You get a final interview invite. They want to “circle back.”

It’s promising! They say they’re excited.

You update your wardrobe. Clean out your calendar.

You even start picturing what your desk plant will be named.

Then…

They ghost.

Again.

No text. No closure. Just vibes.

You check their LinkedIn and see they’ve hired someone else—a 24-year-old “growth hacker” who “just fell into the industry.”

You scream into your coffee cup.

It’s okay, you say. You’ll get back out there.

And so the cycle continues:

Swiping through job boards, making small talk with strangers, and pretending like rejection doesn’t sting.

The only difference?

At least in dating, someone occasionally pays for dinner.

In job hunting, you’re just expected to do an unpaid project, answer 42 behavioral questions, provide 3 references, and pretend like being “passionate about synergy” is a personality trait.

Anyway, it’s 2025.

Swipe left on toxic cultures.

Swipe right on people who respond with actual humanity.

And if you get ghosted?

Just remember:

It wasn’t your résumé.

It was them.

They weren’t ready for a real one. 💼💔