Haunted House

My email inbox in 2025 has officially become a haunted house.

Every morning, I open it with trembling hands like I’m disarming a bomb. I whisper a little prayer: “Please, just one good email today.”

And what do I see?

First up: Domino’s coupons.

Subject line: “50% OFF LARGE PIZZAS! Tonight only!”

Domino’s, sweetie, I love you. But we need to talk about boundaries. Why are you showing up more reliably than my friends, family, or potential employers? At this point, Domino’s has seen me through more heartbreak than my therapist.

Then, below that, the dreaded recruiter emails:

“We regret to inform you…”

“Thank you for your interest, but…”

“We decided to go in a different direction…”

Different direction? Ma’am, what direction? Mars? The Bermuda Triangle? A secret bunker where all the other candidates they “move forward with” are hiding?

One email even said, “We’ve decided to go with another candidate who better fits our needs at this time.” Like I’m a seasonal throw pillow they didn’t vibe with.

Meanwhile, Domino’s is out here cheering me on:

“Hey champ! We saw you crying into your keyboard at 2 a.m. last night — how about a large pepperoni with extra cheese? You deserve it!”

Honestly, the emotional support from these pizza coupons is starting to hit different. At least Domino’s doesn’t ghost me after seven rounds of interviews and a 42-slide strategy presentation titled “Why I’m a Perfect Fit and Also Please Love Me.”

My inbox has basically split into two personalities:

Domino’s: “You’re special! You’re loved! Come get a hot, cheesy hug!”

Recruiters: “You’re not what we’re looking for. But hey, we’ll keep your résumé on file in the corporate catacombs forever.”

It’s gotten so bad I’m considering forwarding all my recruiter rejections to Domino’s so they can send me a sympathy pizza:

“We’re sorry to hear about the ‘different direction.’ Here’s a free cheesy bread to heal your wounds.”

And the timing? Always impeccable. You get a rejection at 9:03 a.m. and by 9:05 a.m., Domino’s is there, sliding into your inbox like, “Bet you need a two-topping deal right about now.”

Yes. Yes, I do.

Some days, I read those rejection emails like plot twists in a soap opera:

“Ohhh, you went with Chad who has ‘great energy’ but only worked six months in your industry? Fascinating choice!”

Then I scroll down and Domino’s is there, reminding me that no matter how many “Thanks but no thanks” emails I get, they’ll always be ready to catch me.

In this modern hellscape of endless job apps, ATS filters, personality tests, and ghostings so intense they should qualify for paranormal TV shows, Domino’s stands as a beacon of consistency.

So if you’re sitting there, your inbox overflowing with automated heartbreak and “exclusive offers” for carbs, just know:

You’re not alone.

We are many.

We are tired.

And we’re all probably one rejection away from using that Domino’s coupon like it’s a life raft in an ocean of LinkedIn rejection letters.

At this point, I might start putting “Preferred Customer at Domino’s” on my résumé. At least it’s the one relationship that hasn’t let me down.