God, the HR Director of My Life (And Apparently Still in a Meeting)

So there I was, unemployed, over-caffeinated, and aggressively optimistic, applying to jobs like I was trying to win a game show.

I’d fire off résumés with reckless hope, whispering, “This is the one,” while LinkedIn laughed and whispered back, “No it’s not.”

After the 147th “We’ve decided to move forward with other candidates,” I hit my breaking point. I looked up at the ceiling (which, in my budget apartment, is also my upstairs neighbor’s dance floor) and said:

“God. Are You hiring or not?”

And in that moment, I imagined God in heaven… running the HR department of my life.

He’s sitting in a huge office labeled “King of Kings, Director of Purpose Acquisition.”

There’s a stack of my prayers on His desk—some sticky notes, a résumé that says “Knows PowerPoint and Pain,” and a half-drunk mug that reads “Blessed Boss”.

I picture Him turning to an angel and saying,

“Gabriel, why does Alex keep applying to jobs I never even posted? He’s out here begging to be a ‘junior synergy coordinator’ when I’ve got him scheduled for a destiny upgrade next quarter.”

Meanwhile, I’m down here like a confused intern, shouting into the void,

“HELLO?! I HAVE TRANSFERABLE SKILLS!”

But God doesn’t ghost. He just responds on heavenly time.

Which is like regular time but with way more character development.

And I realized… He’s not ignoring me.

He’s just that one manager who’s like,

“We’re not hiring right now… but we’re always watching.”

I probably even have a file somewhere in heaven’s HR system labeled “Works well under pressure. Prone to dramatics. Would thrive in a role called Redemption Arc.”

Eventually, I stopped spamming Indeed and started praying with a little less panic and a little more sarcasm:

“Okay God. If You’re the Hiring Manager of my life… I’m officially applying for whatever You’re cooking up. Preferably with dental.”

And wouldn’t you know it?

Doors didn’t fly open—but peace did.

I didn’t get the dream job. But I got something better that day:

A quiet confidence that my résumé is in the right hands.

So if you’re still waiting on a callback from Heaven Inc., don’t sweat it.

God’s just reviewing your file. He already knows your strengths, your weaknesses, and that you need a flexible work environment and frequent snack breaks.

Stay ready.

And maybe put on pants. Just in case.