Friday the 13th: Job Hunt Chronicles (AKA Why I Now Believe in Curses)

It’s Friday the 13th. I wake up feeling bold, confident, maybe even employable—which is, of course, my first mistake.

I put on my “interview shirt,” which is just a dress shirt that’s survived three job rejections and one unfortunate mustard incident. I make some coffee, open my laptop, and prepare for battle—AKA checking my inbox.

Bam. Four rejections and one “we’re moving forward with other candidates” from a company that ghosted me two months ago. Bold of them to reappear just to dump me again.

One email says, “We’re impressed with your experience but went with someone who better aligns with our energy.”

My energy?! Sir, I’m on my third cup of coffee and manifesting employment. How much more aligned do I need to be?

Then it gets weirder.

Around noon, I get a text from a recruiter bot named Allie, who cheerfully asks if I’m still interested in the role of “Cryptid Relations Specialist.”

I click it. It’s a real posting.

Remote. Night shifts only. Must be “comfortable in forested environments” and “willing to negotiate peace treaties with Bigfoot.”

At this point, I’m like, “Honestly? Sure. I already work with monsters—just unpaid ones.”

So I apply.

An hour later, I get a Zoom link. I click it.

The hiring manager shows up wearing a cape. Not a hoodie. A full Dracula cape.

He says, “Welcome, Alex. Let’s begin… the interview.”

I’m trying to stay chill, but his camera is flickering like he’s broadcasting from a haunted house. First question:

“How would you handle a performance review with a Yeti who refuses to learn Excel?”

I say, “Easy. I’d switch him to Google Sheets and bribe him with a heated cave.”

He nods. “You’re good.”

Then he asks if I’m willing to relocate to an undisclosed cave in the Alps.

I say, “Can it be hybrid?”

Interview ends. I log off. My lights flicker. My cat hisses at the wall.

I check my email one last time. Subject line:

“Dear Marcus, thanks for interviewing!”

I don’t even ask anymore. I just pour more coffee and accept that I am living inside a supernatural LinkedIn glitch.

So yeah. It’s Friday the 13th.

And honestly? This job market is scarier than anything Jason ever did with a machete.