Coach Serenity

So a while back, in the middle of my “I think LinkedIn is gaslighting me” phase of unemployment, I decided to be vulnerable and reach out to a motivational speaker.

You know the type: every post ends with “you’ve got this 💫” and a photo of them looking out at the ocean like it owes them money. Their bio said “Helping job seekers find their fire” which felt very relevant since I had just burned out and was now applying to roles like “Entry-Level Dishwasher (Director Track Possible).”

I sent her a heartfelt message.

I said, “Hey, I really appreciate your posts. I’m in a rough spot, been unemployed for a while, trying to stay encouraged. Any advice for staying motivated would mean the world.”

It was honest. Humble. Slightly desperate. The kind of message you write at 1 a.m. while eating dry Cheerios out of a mug.

She responded almost immediately.

Which felt promising.

Until I read it.

She said:

“Hey love ❤️ I feel sooo aligned with your journey. The universe brought you to me for a reason. You’re not lost, you’re just unawakened. Let’s ignite your soul.”

Then she hit me with a link.

$99.99

FOR. A. MOTIVATIONAL. PACKAGE.

Now let me explain this package.

It included:

• A 7-minute voice memo titled “You are the moment.”

• A downloadable vision board template with clouds, glitter, and a lion staring into the distance.

• A pre-recorded pep talk where she said, “Sometimes rejection is just God redirecting you to a franchise opportunity.”

AND…

A PDF workbook called “Awaken Your CEO Energy (Even if You’re Broke).”

Reader, I did not awaken my CEO energy. I awakened my petty energy.

I responded, “Hey, I love that you want to ignite my soul, but I currently have $4.11 in my checking account and a coupon for a free small Frosty. Does that unlock partial motivation?”

She left me on read.

Not even a 10% discount.

Not even a “love and light” emoji.

I got ghosted by a motivational speaker.

Wanna know what made it worse?

She added me to her email list.

Two days later, I got this gem in my inbox:

“Why Your Mindset is the Reason You’re Unemployed 💅”

At that point, I considered messaging her back just to say, “Ma’am, my mindset is fine. It’s my bank account that’s in therapy.”

And look—I get it.

People deserve to be paid for their work.

But $99.99 to tell me I’m between miracles?

I’ve gotten better advice from a fortune cookie that said “Take a risk today, but not financial.”

So now when I see someone offering a “Soul Reset Package” or “5 Steps to Unlocking Your Inner Empire” for $199.99… I just smile, close the tab, and pray silently for my Wi-Fi.

Here’s what I learned:

If someone charges you $100 to remind you that “you’re worthy,” but can’t say it for free when you’re struggling—they’re not in the healing business.

They’re in sales.

So if you’re broke, discouraged, and tempted to Venmo someone named “Coach Serenity” for enlightenment—don’t.

Text a friend.

Pray out loud.

Eat the cereal.

You’ll get through this.

And if anyone’s offering a vision board with glitter lions and cosmic PDFs—ask if it comes with job placement.

Otherwise, keep your $99.99.

And maybe buy some real therapy. Or tacos.

Tacos heal faster.