Breaking Laughter

Every time I turn on the TV before I even open my eyes fully, I’m greeted with the same negative news soundtrack: “BREAKING: Everything is terrible, everyone is arguing, and here’s a live shot of a raccoon stealing a baby’s sandwich.”

I swear, sometimes I think the news anchors are just pulling cards from a hat labeled “Anxiety Fuel” before they go live.

What if, just once, we flipped the plot? Imagine if we started the morning news with some solid, non-caffeinated, unfiltered humor first. Instead of “This just in: everything is on fire,” we get:

“Good morning! Today in Delaware, a grandma accidentally ran a 5K thinking it was a line for free donuts. She’s fine — and slightly annoyed there were no pastries at the finish line.”

Or:

“Breaking: Local man wins ‘Employee of the Month’ for the 14th month in a row at his one-person home office. Sources say his dog has filed a complaint due to lack of treats.”

How about:

“Live update: A toddler in Nebraska just gave a TED Talk on why wearing pants is overrated and why cereal tastes better straight from the box on the floor.”

Instead of leading with gloom and doom, let’s have a segment called “Good Vibes and Bad Dance Moves,” where they feature people’s kitchen dance parties at 6 a.m. Because nothing says “hope” like a grown adult dramatically lip-syncing Whitney Houston into a wooden spoon while their dog watches in quiet judgment.

Or maybe a quick check-in with “Weather for Your Feelings,” where the anchor says, “Today’s emotional forecast: partly overwhelmed with a 70% chance of spontaneous snack attacks. Stay hydrated and avoid texting your ex after 9 p.m.”

Then we could cut to “Small Wins Across America,” celebrating things like:

— “Jessica finally folded that laundry pile from 2021.”

— “Mark didn’t forget his coffee on top of the car this morning.”

— “Grandpa Ed figured out how to unmute on Zoom before the third attempt!”

We need to normalize these tiny daily miracles, folks.

And the sports segment? Instead of million-dollar athletes, let’s highlight Dave from accounting finally catching the office stapler mid-air before it hit the floor. Or Tina’s record-breaking speed in dodging that neighbor who always wants to talk about essential oils.

Imagine the anchor signing off with:

“And remember, if today feels heavy, at least you’re not the Wi-Fi router trying to keep up with everyone’s ‘new hobbies’ and failed sourdough attempts. Back to you, Bob.”

If we started every day like this, we’d probably all step into the world a little more gently, a little more human, and a lot more likely to smile at strangers instead of side-eyeing them like they just cut us in line at Costco.

So here’s to a new kind of morning news — the kind where we lead with awkward dance moves, good dogs, confused grandparents, and small but mighty wins. The kind that reminds us we’re all just weird little humans trying to keep it together (and sometimes failing spectacularly).

Until CNN or NBC calls me to host this new segment (I’ll be waiting by the phone with my cereal), let’s be our own morning news anchors. Start your day with a laugh, a sip of coffee that tastes like possibility (or questionable life choices), and a reminder that humor might just be the best breaking news we’ve got.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go report live from my kitchen where a wild coffee spill has formed what looks suspiciously like a map of Ohio. Stay tuned.